Here are the phases we all go through as we get older, wiser, and sometimes hornier:
1. What’s Sex?
Ah, to be young and innocent. Boys are gross. Kissing is grosser. You arrived on this planet via stork. Sex isn’t discussed when you’re busy watching Nickelodeon, eating sugar without consequences, and deciding which swim league to join. The raciest conversation you have is debating who has the most impressive Barbie collection.
2. It Exists but Isn’t Acknowledged
You’re in a 24/7 unspoken competition of who knows the most. Everyone sort of talks around it, and a few brave souls play Seven Minutes in Heaven on the bus to an out of town field trip. But the majority of guys and gals are still flirting by way of being fake-mean to each other.
3. Muffled Chatter Getting Louder
You corner your closest friend to confess you don’t know what “blow job” means. If only it had stayed that way…
4. Sharing Every Gritty Detail
These conversations are what Saturday mornings in college are made for. Play-by-plays of a guy’s every move, from tucking your hair behind your ear to how he sounds (and looks) when he comes, are all covered. Get comfortable; you’re going to be here all day.
5. Getting Serious and Silent
This phase could also be called, “gone but not forgotten.” When you get into a legit adult couple situation, you’re determined to keep that shit on lockdown. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Your girlfriend has no business knowing your man’s penis size. You scoff at the younger you who used to spill every single detail. Never again… (Spice up your sex life with these toys from the Women’s Health Boutique.)
6. And…Back to Not Caring About Sharing
Now that you’re older and wiser, you’re less afraid to ask the tough questions, even at the risk of dishing TMI about your boyfriend/current sex partner/husband. Do other women hate it when men refer to boobs as titties? Are you wrong to need a little more man-scaping? How much porn is too much porn? You secretly hope to find a kindred spirit who’d genuinely rather watch Netflix and chill.
7. Let’s Talk About Sex!
Sex enhancement products are an open discussion. How are you keepingyour sex life alive after years of marriage? Are you newly single and on the prowl (insert appropriate cougar joke here)? Sign up for a women’s sexual revival retreat, girl, you deserve it, and it’s just sex. We’re all having it, or not…and we should talk about that, too.
8. The Good Ole’ Days
Young folks never want to curse or talk about sex around old people, despite the fact that they’ve seen and done it all. At this age, it’s time to cherish the memories and use a good amount of innuendo and metaphor. Hey, grannies can have dirty minds, too!